Pittsburgh-affiliated Human Drama Queens (and One Dog) Block Traffic. Film at Eleven.

http://www.postgazette.com/pg/05331/611642.stm

You Might Want to Jot This Down..

The One Called Joe Schulz posted this quiz on his blog, encouraging humans to answer it. I know many of you are dying (just DYING) to know more about me than this blog provides, but are too cowardly to ask. So here are my answers to questions that you humans seem to find "important":

1. First Name? Charlene.
2. Were you named after anyone? A truckstop waitress in Irwin.
3. Do you wish on stars? Absolutely not.
4. When did you last cry? I don’t have tear ducts.
5. Do you like your handwriting? Oh yes. It’s very good. Like calligraphy, almost.
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Advanced Weight and Hairball Management.
7. What is your birth date? September 31st.
8. Mountains or Beach? Spaceship.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? All people are my friends/servants.
10. Do you have a journal? Yes.
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? When you live with T.C.O.E., it’s a given.
12. Do you have a nickname? Against my will, I am known as "the little gondolier"
13. Would you bungee jump? How do you think I lost my leg?
14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No.
15. Do you think that you are strong? Yes. I am on steroids.
16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Advanced Weight and Hairball Management.
17. Shoe Size? ½
18. Red or pink? Red.
19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My asthma.
20. Who do you miss most? Mr. Back Right Hindy.
21. Do you want everyone you send this to to send it back? Define "everyone."
22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? Fur pants; fur shoes.
23. What are you listening to right now? Curtis Eller’s Taking Up Serpents Again.
24. Last thing you ate? I nibbled on a human elbow this morning. Does that count?
25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Aquacharlene.
26. What is the weather like right now? Bad. But human laps are warm.
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? T.O.C.E.’s mother. By force.
28. 1st thing you notice about the opposite sex? I’ve been spayed, thank you.
29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? As far as persons go, yes.
30. Favorite Drink? Tap water.
31. What is your favorite sport? I like watching football and playing "chase the invisible bug."
32. Hair Color? Dilute-tortie-gray-and-peach.
33. Eye Color? Strindberg-green.
34. Do you wear contacts? My eyesight is beyond perfect.
35. Favorite Food? Take a wild guess.
36. Last Movie You Watched? Apocalypse Now.
37. Favorite Day of the Year? The day in spring when T.O.C.E. opens the window.
38. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Stories of world domination often end well.
39. Summer or winter? Summer.
40. Hugs OR Kisses? Scratches.
41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Sweet revenge.
42. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? T.C.O.E.
43. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? A squirrel.
44. Living arrangements? Lower level of a house, with windows at level with the backyard so I can watch the birds and chipmunks.
45. What books are you reading? William Vollman’s Rising Up, Rising Down. Over T.O.C.E.’s shoulder.
46. What is on Your Mouse Pad? Fur.
47. What did you watch on T.V. last night? Denver versus Dallas game.
48. Favorite sound? The sound of the mothership coming for to carry me home.

I Say Meeeeeyow!

And about friggin time this jolliest, ivory-ticklingest human caught a little shine...
http://www.postgazette.com/pg/05321/607487.stm


In related news, an IC bartender called T.O.C.E. and The Other "the making-outingest couple that [he] ever saw." The next day, the two lushes darkened his barstools again. Said barkeep offered a revision, calling the gruesome twosome "the gazy-into-each-others-eyes-iest" pair on the block. Thanks for clarifying, but its still Gross and Grosser.

Grossiest, even.

Aww, Hell to the No!

And to think, T.O.C.E. could've moved us all to The City Called Tucson, where Santa Claus comes in shorts and sunblock:

WEATHER.COM 24-HOUR FORECAST: Windy. Snow this evening will give way to snow showers late. Low 27F. Winds WNW at 25 to 40 mph. Chance of snow 80%. 1 to 3 inches of snow expected. Winds could occasionally gust over 50 mph.

50MPH?? That's NEAR BLIZZARD-LIKE WINDS, people. And to top it off, The One Called Harris is sending snarky emails doubting my Charleniness' rates of publication. Off my back, blonde human. Let us not forget the one small writing prompt you and T.O.C.E. assigned eachother and NEVER TURNED IN. Slackasses.

To brighten the mood a bit, here's a little love poem I wrote to the best thing in my life at press time-- T.O.C.E.'s electric blanket....

Coiled inside like a warm, smiling beast...
Low. Medium. Hot...
You ignite, you brighten, you glow...
You toast my cat tush.
I squint my eyes.
(which is the closest I ever come to smiling).

The genius will now go hide in the closet.

%^*&@*&**^%!!!!

You know that saying that a kajillion monkeys on a kajillion typewriters will eventually hammer out the works of The One Called Willy the Shake? Well, a similar thing is happening at Casa Del Charlene.

Yesterday, thanks to the wacky rules of the random, T.O.C.E. uttered a word of Cat.

It was very early in the morning, right before dawn. I was amused to see T.O.C.E. awake at such a go-getter hour. First I thought she was sick, but she was just reading. I came over to tell her what an idiot she was/is. She, of course, took my Catspeak as a friendly hello. She said hello in Human, then tried to call me over. I did not budge.

Then she said (how to translate on this piss-poor human keyboard?) Bpssss Bpsss Bpssss.

Which, as we all know, is the dirtiest phrase in all of Cat.

I jumped up and ran from the room. Like a wanton child with a new toy, T.O.C.E. spent the rest of the day chasing me around, seeing if the disrespectful word (which to her, is just a random sound) would always have the same effect. Every time she says it, I shoot her a long, pointed glance of recognition and alarm and then bolt out of the room.

What I want to know is, how did this breach of security happen? And if the random forces of nature are, indeed, to blame, then why could she not have stumbled upon a sweet bit of Cat, like critical praise for a good Feline Pose, or laudatory phrases of my supremacy?

Nope. I got stuck with a human with a potty mouth. Make me wanna holla:Co**ksuckingB*tchAssM*therF**king Sh*tC*ntD**kwadF**kfaceT*ttyTw*t

What? did I say something bad?

It's Gonna Be A Cool Night, So Just Let Me Burn Books By the Firelight...

So decided the young minds in T.O.C.E.'s pitiful excuse for "school." On Friday, they fraternized in a log cabin. Admission price? At least one book to torch (outside the cabin).

Books present included American Psycho, The Communist Manifesto, many textbooks with unrepeatable titles, and, of course Inferno. Also S'mores. T.O.C.E. did her part with a little Mitch Abloom and a very bad stage adaptation of a pretty good Phillip K. Dick book, a script that led to her only (horrible) experience in leather pants and dom stilettos. Hence her firey rage to destroy it. How do I know all this? Don't ask. But I even got pictures...

Burn my book, the Passarello said.

That pink scarf still smells like Stromberg St.

The One Called Jay, Aflame.

I Read Books By Sitting On Them.

Looky down there. What whiskers! And the alurophilic prenom of "Leo." Plus, you gotta love any writer who starts his book with "VENGEANCE IS MINE; I SHALL REPAY." All of you out there in CharleneLand know how I feel about vengeance. Actually, I'm very glad T.O.C.E. is reading the Russians in my presence. I have, as you CharleneLanders might have guessed, a Russian soul. Hence my opera singing and tendency to brood.


Speaking of my singing, The Human Called (I think) Opera, who has an afternoon TV programme and a mass army of middle-aged housewives desperate to do her bidding, tried to get them all to read Anna Karenina last summer. She did an episode on her TV show about it, but didn't even give the book a full hour of air-time. The One Called Leo Tolstoy had to split the bill with The One called Barry Manilow. They transitioned between the two by having T.O.C.B.M. sing "Copa Cabana" with the following re-vamped lyrics: "She's Anna. Anna Karenina. The hottest broad north of the Kremlin!" Ugh. NOT a Russian soul.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, yeah. Here's the most important part of the message.
The One Called Elena Needs Your Help. She's working on another ridiculous writing project and wants as many peeps as possible to translate a sentence from AK into their own words. It should only take a short amount of the useless construct you stupid humans call "time." So either email her or post a comment that you are, indeed, game. Git crackin'! I'm going to go sit on War and Peace now.