Thursday, February 14, 2008

Whatchu Know 'Bout Me?

I know that:

1) this song is almost a year old and

2) it is about an adolescent human and not a three-legged megalomaniac,

but still, this song rocks. I haven't sung it's praises sooner because I've been stuck in the chair, watching the vid on repeat and trying to perfect the dance moves.

Best line: The boyz rilly like it/ The girls don't speak/ They rollin' they eyes/ They're lip gloss sheep.

This girl, human tho she may be, totally channels a Charlene-like amount of brattitude. Seriously, doesn't she sorta look like me? If only cats had lips that could be glossed so badassedly...

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Cabin Fever.

Shortly after this photo was taken:


Dumb and Dumbest up there had the following verbal pas des deux:
T.O.C.E.-- I'm hungry.
H.W.D.N.T.B.N.-- All we have to eat is cheese.
T.O.C.E.--I want pizza.
H.W.D.N.T.B.N.-- They don't deliver pizzas in the middle of a blizzard.
T.O.C.E.-- Why is pizza such an inconvenient food? You totally have to rely on other people to make it, drive it over to your house, answert the delivery phones. It sucks. Its always all about their needs, their schedules, the fact that they don't have snow tires.
H.W.D.N.T.B.N.-- We could make a pizza.
T.O.C.E.-- No we couldn't. Pizza is a magical dish that only qualified pizza people know how to make. I wish there was a big rope lever hanging down from the ceiling and, when you pulled it, a piping hot pizza would fall out of the sky and into your lap. That would be awesome.
H.W.D.N.T.B.N.-- We could put some cheese on a record and eat it.
T.O.C.E.-- (baffled blinking)

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Ever Seen The Shining?

Its official: T.O.C.E. and H.W.D.N.T.B.N. are SNOWED IN! Work cancelled, classes cancelled, and the car stuck in the snow so nobody can go nowhere. There's no food in the pantry (unless you consider bourbon to be food-- which , if your name is C.apeshit, you do), and nothing in the fridge. Nothing on TV and T.O.C.E. threw her back out, so she can't a) sit up or b) clean anything.

This is, of course, tragic news for me, who cherishes the precious hours of the day where I have the house to myself. Now, in my present state of torment, the heater is so loud that it drowns out my cries.



Then, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it got even worser. It got even more worser than the worstest of the worst.

They discovered that their Cable on Demand had a KARAOKE MACHINE.

And they decided to use it.

FOR A VERY LONG TIME.


Yes, they are using the remote control as a microphone.

This is the kind of insanity I'd expect from Her Spazziness, but not from that other one. In their five years together, he's been admirably immune to T.O.C.E.'s karaoke sickness. That is, until he discovered that Cable Karaoke has "Detroit Rock City" on its playlist:

Insert karaoke air guitar (kairguitar-eoke?) Here.

Other songs included in the Massacre: "Fancy," "Luvenbach, Texas," "This Magic Moment," "Broken Wings," "Rock the Casbah" and, pictured below, "Smooth Criminal.
No, T.O.C.E. and H.W.D.N.T.B.N. Annie is not OK. She's not OK at all.

I hope you'll all join me in praying for a fast thaw.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Suffer the Felines

Its getting very cold and snowy out here on the prairie. The white stuff has fallen from the sky every day since the semester began, and T.O.C.E. is obviously coming down with a nasty case of Cabin Fever.

In her insanity, she's decided to pass the time until the first thaw (June '08) by entering us in the next season of Dancing With the Stars. I am, of course, the star member of this team. I am also the one who is getting mercilessly tortured.

Behold a recent rehearsal. Insert that Gloria Estefan "Shakeyerbodybabydothaconga" song here:

I think this is me trying to do the Macarena. You can't see my face, but I am looking into her eyes with my Evil Laser Beam Stare. Also note how, even in my state of duress, I execute perfect "jazz hands."



Here, we attempt to do the lift that stumped Baby and Johnny for so many summer afternoons. Unlike Baby, I would certainly rather to be put into a corner than endure this humilliation. As you can see, T.O.C.E. appears to be having a grand old time. Moron.

Apparently, next week we will start practicing with costumes. Kill me now.