"I call this next poem 'My Pain'."

No, this is not a warm-toned painting of one of the Dutch masters, its a funky British photo of The One Called Paul reding to old people in a marble-walled pub. This event happened last week, across a very large body of water. He will be crossing said body of water to visit T.O.C.E in Iowa purty soon. I plan to mock him toute suite. Yeah, I speak French. Go fudge yourselves.

Screeeeeeech!

A Hawkeye view... (http://webcam.iowa.uiowa.edu/pentacamcur.html)

And they mock us for chasing our own tails.

Holy schnikes, now they're all coming out of the woodwork! Though some of The One Called Elena's long-lost friends engage in talents that make more sense to me than others. Take The One Called Proteus, who apparently used to drive around in a red mini-van in a floppy pair of khahki shorts and nothing else, crooning R &B songs and looking for trees to climb. That, of course, is okay with me, as I love Smooth Jams and am inspired by anyone who tries to scale arbors despite their declawed-ness.

But, the thing is, 10 years after their tender adolescence together, The One Called Proteus has spent the past 4.5 months walking in a meandering line, from the state of said adolescence up, up, up to a big mountain at the tip of the Eastern Seaboard. And he's just over halfway there!!!! Hiking the Apple-Lunching Trail, the humans call it. Baffling to me, as baffling as those humans called "joggers," who run away, even though nobody is chasing them. And they have less legs than me! Weirdos.

Still, big ups to The One Called Proteus (who is also called the much less cat-like "Kevin") and his Incredible Journey. Hope there's plenty of apples to lunch on at the end of your travels. And view a photo of him, below:

With tongues like these, you'd think humans could lick themselves clean.

The One Called Elena Has Talented Friends, Part Deux et Trois

Who knew? After 8 months with you-know-who, all I thought humans were good for was yelling, talking about Harry Potter and eating popsicles. Turns out, humans--humans in cahoots with T.O.C.E., even-- are making cool ass sounds that please my discerning kitty ears. I put these songs on the computer and then do my own patented, three-legged dance, called "The Jiggy Pole-Cat." But only when nobody's looking. Look into these two:

D WILS once lived in a house with T.O.C.E. and even lived to tell the tale. Once he did a backflip off a mantle during the guitar solo to Van Halen's "Jump." Six years later, he has learned how to make these urban, lush, rock soundscapes. He sings great, too. If I could drive, I'd take this on long trips. I especially like the first track. So, don't be a sucka; ceaslessly click on www.dwils.com

AMERICAN LITERATURE once ignored all of T.O.C.E.'s puppylove advances in a suburban basement, like, 14 years ago. He also once owned an Ugly Kid Joe album. Now he plays a million instruments, listens to cool bands like Devotchka and writes funky, folky, wise things. Sorta Flannery O'Connor and red clay and John Fahey in the woodwork of more modern sounds and layered vocal tracks. Go here or die: www.amerlit.com

As for T.O.C.E.'s songwriting skilz, here are the lyrics to a song she wrote with her kindygartners last week--

American Dragon likes video games
I love video games
They make me love you
They make me CRAAAAAZYYYYYY
I play them ev- ry- sin- gle daaaaaaaaaaay!

Yeah. So, I guess we don't all have "the gift."

Very. Good. Movie.

Do nothing till you hear from me.

"Oh where, Charlene, oh where have you beeen?," ask my throngs of fans, supporters and underlings. I've been undercover and unable to type, since The One Called Elena discovered Friendster and has been hogging the computer to spy on her 10th grade lab partner, her junior high nemesis, and her old boy- and girl-friends all week. Get a life, human. And even though I am a talking alien cat with a wildly popular blog, I will not be joining the 17million users of Friendster. I do not involve myself with things that end in "-ster." Apparently, The One Called Elena was registered on Friendster for the past 2 years and never knew it. Idiota!

But The One Called Elena's spyings do not come without their benefits. Who knew she had such talented, plugged-in aquaintances? See the above poster, for example, declaiming the great-ness of her New York D.J. friend, The One Called Brent(who grew up with a cat named chipwich, but now only owns pet hair care products). For those Three-Legged-Blog affiliates living in New York City, he seems like one to czech out. As you know, all talking Alien cats enjoy decksanddrumsandrockandroll. Wonder if there's any of that going on in Iowa.

p.s. see The One Called Brent, below, and like it.

Love for Sale.

Help! The One Called Elena is zipping around the house like a whirling dervish, throwing many perfectly good items into plastic bins for selling. Wonder how much I would go for. I think I cost $75, but have endured $1300 worth of medical bills in the past 13 months. Let's face it, I'm priceless. Regardless, T.O.C.E. thinks that she might be able to raise enough $$$ to fund our big move.

Anyhoo, she's become so obsessed, I'm afraid she might stop feeding me. So maybe one of you can stop the madness and take some of this shite off her hands. Anyone interested in buying:

two leather sofa chairs, color: coral

vintage wooden vanity table and matching chest-of-drawers

Norton Anthologies of English Literature

Many, many hardback and paperback books, including works by: Franzen, Rowling, Snickett, Burroughs, Smith (Zadie), Laarson, Kidder, Bukowski, Moody, Abloom, Shakespeare, Said, Vico, Sedaris, Kerouac...AND MORE!

CD's and box sets that you know you want.

You can come by and look at these things next Saturday. Deep discounts for buddies, of course. Or email T.O.C.E. for more info. Or e-mail me. Or shut up.