Feliz Navidon't.

Hola, Chumps. Long time no Charlene. I know it's been awhile and that, in my absence, many of you have had aneurisms from all the longing and pining for me, but you know what they say: shut up.

Anyway, to make you feel a little bit better, I've written a festive song for your human holidays. If I were you, I'd take off work and read the lyrics several thousand times, making sure that they're memorized in time for Crispmousse or ChakaKhan or whatever the hell you people celebrate in December. So learn these words well and then join hands and sing them around the Jesus Eggs or the Reindeer Pate, or the Holy Candles of Panty Claws, or whatever.

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHARLENE

written by Charlene M.W. Jackson

produced by Charlene

released on Charlene records

performed by Charlene and the Charlene Charlenes.

ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHARLENE, MY CHARLENE GAVE TO ME...

...a bath from T.O.C.E.

ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHARLENE, MY CHARLENE GAVE TO ME...

...TWO total jerks

(and a bath from T.O.C.E.)

ON THE THIRD DAY OF CHARLENE, MY CHARLENE GAVE TO ME...

...THREE legs a'sleepin

(two total jerks and a bath from T.O.C.E.)

ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CHARLENE, MY CHARLENE GAVE TO ME...

...FOUR games of Scrabble (which I won, of course)

(three legs a'sleepin',

two total jerks

and a bath from T.O.C.E.)

ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CHARLENE, MY CHARLENE GAVE TO ME...

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

(four games of Scrabble (which I won, of course),

three legs a'sleepin',

two total jerks

and a bath from T.O.C.E.)

ON THE SIXTH DAY OF CHARLENE, MY CHARLENE GAVE TO ME...

...SIX tacos

(LEAVE ME ALONE!

four games of Scrabble (which I won, of course),
three legs a'sleepin',

two total jerks

and a bath from T.O.C.E.)

ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CHARLENE, MY CHARLENE GAVE TO ME...

...SEVEN embarrassing photos

(six tacos,

LEAVE ME ALONE!
four games of Scrabble (which I won, of course),

three legs a'sleepin',

two total jerks

and a bath from T.O.C.E.)

ON THE EIGHTH DAY OF CHARLENE, MY CHARLENE GAVE TO ME...

...EIGHT C.apeshit Shout-Outs

(seven embarrassing photos,

six tacos,

LEAVE ME ALONE!

four games of Scrabble (which I won, of course),
three legs a'sleepin',

two total jerks

and a bath from T.O.C.E.)

ON THE NINTH DAY OF CHARLENE, MY CHARLENE GAVE TO ME...

...NINE acts of torture

(eight C.apeshit shout-outs,

seven embarrassing photos,

six tacos,

LEAVE ME ALONE!

four games of Scrabble (which I won, of course),
three legs a'sleepin',

two total jerks

and a bath from T.O.C.E.)

ON THE TENTH DAY OF CHARLENE, MY CHARLENE GAVE TO ME...

... TEN catnip hangovers

(nine acts of torture,

eight C.apeshit shout-outs,

seven embarrassing photos,

six tacos,

LEAVE ME ALONE!
four games of Scrabble (which I won, of course),

three legs a'sleepin',

two total jerks
and a bath from T.O.C.E.)

ON THE ELEVENTH DAY OF CHARLENE, MY CHARLENE GAVE TO ME...

Holy crap, are you still reading this?!?!?!?!

ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHARLENE, MY CHARLENE GAVE TO ME...

...TWELVE Advanced Weight and Hairball Management Sammiches

eleven holy-crap-are-you-still-reading-this?,

ten catnip hangovers,

nine acts of torture,

eight C.apeshit shout-outs,

seven embarrassing photos,

six tacos,

LEAVE ME ALONE!

four games of Scrabble (which I won, of course),

three legs a'sleepin',

two jerks

AND A BATH....FROM...T.O.C.E.

I'll be waiting for my thank you note.