There's a tear in my...seltzer

Yes, Yes, Yes, I know every site in the world is promoting "Crying, While Eating." I could care less about the concept, save this one entry, Catherine, who cries (while eating crackers, smoked cheese and seltzer water) because her cat has asthma. Not like The One Called Elena ever shed a tear for me!

View the truly righteous at www.cryingwhileeating.com. Scroll way far down the page to find her.

We out.

Listen Up.

I am alone in the house with The Other One That Lives Here. Insert scream of The One Called Macauly Culkin here. The One Called Elena is in Iowa City, looking for an apartment. At first I was mad that she didn't take me with her, but then I remembered that I hate everything involving change, travel, and meeting new people. I have been watching her with my kitty radar a la a Kitty Caucus. A kitty Iowa Caucus!!!

So, my cat feelers are picking up that its very hot in Iowa City, and many apartments are enourmous bags of crap. Also, the fact that I exist rules out two-thirds of the affordable apartments in Iowa. Also, its 95 degrees there. Also, people are nice and the accents will definitely take some getting used to.

In other funny news, today the POST GAZETTE (http://www.postgazette.com/pg/05174/526830.stm) referred to her as "Elena Passasso," which is even more ridiculous than her actual human name. How quickly they forget. The article advertises a reading of TROJAN WOMEN this Sunday and Monday for Bricolage Theatre. The play, apparently, is not about human prophylactics. Thank Jeebus.

What is the plural of "caucus"?

I've been spending most of the weekend conducting a telepathic "Kitty Caucus" with Elektra, a very politically motivated cat who resides with The One Called Ange. Special topics have included a lengthy fillibuster on cats' rights. Any interested parties should contact Elektra. With your cat brain.

Also, I puked on the humans' bedspread today. Haw.

Crazy people have beautiful eyes.

Take a look at this picture of The One Called August Strindberg, and then see me, at right. See any resemblance? The Other One that Lives Here thinks that we're dead ringers. But I have yet to begin to discuss The Other One's delusions.

Big ups to Toni Baloo.

A true friend to cats, The One Called Alison Zapata, sent a photo of the two cats that control her, and I must say, I approve of them. Along with the flat-out bonus of being cats, one has a curly and fluffy tail, and the other one has slanty eyes and a no-shit-sherlock kind of stare. Unfortunately, I can't get their pic to show up on my blog. Curses and more curses! Anyway, they are Onyx Rose and Tony Baloo, and this is their story:

Look, we were sittin inside this place the humans call the humane society. There's nothin' humaine about it. No room, no window, no fresh meat. All these cats just sittin in these cages look like they just about gave up. But not me and Toni, we had plans, BIG PLANS. We were gettin out of the slammer if it was the last thing we did. So, in walks this tall Gloria Estafan lookin human with one she called Dave. Easy prey. They look around a bit, don't see a cat that suits her. Meow! Meow! These cats don't know how to turn on the charm like me and Toni. Boy did we lay it on thick. They walk into our cell, I give Toni the look. You know, like follow my lead. I wrap my tail around her leg like French mink. She couldn't resist. She took the bait. I purred a little tune for her. I do have quite a good voice. Toni's a little shy, so I was workin it for the both of us, see. It worked like a kitty collar charm! Now we are livin large. Swimming pools and movie stars! Kennel cough is a thing of the past! We are so cute!!! Keep up the great site! Us cats need to get our voices heard!!

Apparently, if you're the kind of human who worships your pet, she will paint a very large portrait of it. Contact her at www.Zapatastudios.com.

Over and Out.

Oh Brother.

Okay, this is just ridiculous, even for The One Called Elena. Who is that crazy man in the picture behind her? And why does her hair look like a TV weathergirl's? And humans make fun of cats for sitting in front of a window all day. At least it's respectable!!!! My clairvoyant cat feelers are picking up explicative vibes from www.brotherscience.com. But they are often wrong.

those better not be cat ribs.

This is a picture taken by a friend of The One Called Elena, The One Called Heather Mull. Apparently, humans can go look at this and other pictures as a part of something called Pittsburgh NOW (www.silvereye.org). If I could see in 2-D, this might make a little more sense to my kitty ass. As it stands, I am baffled.

Decent Human Alert!

This nice human noted my supreme correctness on his blog, so I only think it fair to nod in his general direction. Not to mention, he owns a cat named "Truck Stop." Hmmm. Regardless, I salute you, human comrade! Go here to view The Blog of The One Called Joe Schulz: www.joeschulz.net. (p.s.-- I know neither the name nor the blog address of that dog he is strangling in the picture, so don't ask me).

RIP OFF THE ROOF AND STAY IN BED!!!!

I don't care if it is about humans; the Weather Girls' "It's Raining Men" is the coolest song ever written.

Charlene SMAASH!!!!!

Yo. I would apologize for not posting in while, but 1) I'm a cat and cats don't do that apology thing, 2) nobody reads this thing anyway and c) it really doesn't matter 'cause I can blame it on the 'roids. Yes, you heard it right; I'm on Canseco's special juice to cure me of my cat asthma. The One Called Elena and The Other One keep shoving these pills down my throat, which I resist using an expertly done series of cat martial arts moves that I like to call "squirming." I have a black belt in squirming. This, of course, is enhanced even more by the steroids.

The 'roids are also turning me into a hulkamaniac. I have been freaking out the humans by leaping on to the bed (an impossible task, pre-'roid, due to my lack of one back leg and removed claws). Drugs are so cool. Stay tuned. I might just grow another leg.

So, a few briefs about the life I've been living:
-- The One Called Elena's folks came in to town and tried to visit me. Not much to report, because I ran and hid pretty quick. They're weird. But The One Called Elena says that, earlier in the visit, everybody got drunk and sang Karaoke with something called The Sleaze. The Mother of the One Called Elena apparently brought the house down with some singing or other nonsense. Whatever.

--I have developed a squinty eye that The One Called Elena has to smear cream in. The minute one eye heals, the other one starts getting squinty. Hahahahahahahhaha.

--This house is unbearably hot and I am afraid of the fan. Also, much shedding.

Goodbye.