Worl'wide Y'all! What? What?

This is an etching by a good writer for cats. Her name is Sei Shonagon and she lived a thousand years ago, in some place far away from this place (which I think is called "Pickburg"). Anyhoo, Shonagon, like me, lived in another lady's house and had lots of free time to preen and gossip and trash things. She also talked about things she liked but that's not so juicy. Here is a particularily pertinent entry from her diary, THE PILLOW BOOK.

There was once a cat who lived in the palace who had been crowned and given a rank. She was known as Lady Myobu, much petted and loved. Once when Myobu had been exhibiting herself openly on the veranda, another real Lady of the same rank who name was Muma shouted at her to come in immediately. But, Myobu disregarded the command, preferring instead to go on sunning herself and sleeping. At this, the Lady decided to frighten her away, and called out for Okinamaro the dog to fetch her. The silly wretch, of course, came bounding out, anxious to please, wagging his tail, and bounding right into our private quarters. We were in the morning room where we had our meal, and the Empress was present. When she saw what was happening, she became very agitated. Taking the cat to her bosom, she ordered the guards to her side. When Tadataka appeared, she ordered him to beat Okinamaro, and banish him from the palace immediately. The guards were ordered together and proceeded to hunt the dog down. Poor Muma was made to take the blame. The Empress ordered a change in her waiting women, and Muma was no longer allowed in her presence. The dog was found by the inner palace guards of the Takiguchi, and thrown out.

She seems like the type of lady who would be real cool with cats. Perhaps I will go on Amazon and order a copy for The One That's Called Elena. Or perhaps I will make my own pillow book. Now I am going to, as Sei puts it, "exhibit myself openly" for a few hours. Stay tuned, dorks.

Cats Don't Wear Underpants.

This is what The One Called Elena does all day when she's not at home letting me shed on her. Gets her picture taken holding up a ginormous pair of underpants. The reason is because of a "play," as she calls it, named "The Underpants." Well, I don't know if those are THE underpants, but they are definitely SOME underpants. Whatever. Not like they'd ever let me go see the play anyway. And by "they," I mean the squirrels. The One Called Elena has been bopping all over the house, saying these stupid sentences from the play over and over again. I try to correct her when she gets a sentence wrong (I've memorized the script already, you see), but all that comes out is "Mew, Mrow, Reeeow.." and so forth. Sucky. The "play" is next month at the City Theatre, whatever that means. I'm tired of writing about someone other than myself. I think I'm going to go and shed on something. Peace out, mofos.

ADVANCED WEIGHT AND HAIRBALL MANAGEMENT! YAAAAY!

That's what I say every time I get a dish full of my favorite food. I have simple tastes. The One Called Elena sometimes tries to shove some gourmet stuff in my face, but why mess with a good thing? When The Other One That Lives Here made a tuna sammich one time, he poured some of the juice over a perfectly good bowl of Advanced Weight and Hairball Mgmt, and I just looked at him like, "I know you didn't." But he did.

I like to sit beside my bowl of Advanced Weight and Hairball Management and gaze at those dusty orange kibbles. Those humans will rue the day they take Advanced Weight and Hairball Management away from me. Advanced Weight and Hairball Management is the best thing I've discovered about this planet.

Strangely enough, the humans aren't greedy with their Advanced Weight and Hairball Management . They give it all to me, and eat the less superior human food themselves. Maybe that's because I can control their minds....

THANK YOU JEEBUS

I'd like to personally thank mother nature for this cold-ass weather. Now the heater is on again and I get to sleep on it. I'd also like to take this opportunity to apologize to anybody that ever came over to visit The One Called Elena and then I ran away and wouldn't come socialize. It's not that I'm afraid of you; don't flatter yourselves. I'm just very busy and couldn't take the time away from my work. "Doing what?" you might ask? Well, starting this blog, for one thing. I sit on The One Called Elena's lap when she's on the computer and, though she can't even send attachments, taught myself in secrecy. She's been very busy lately, working on plays and teaching kids and talking about somebody named "Iowa". Who the hell is Iowa. For a while I thought it was the name of The Other One That lives here, the quieter one with the deeper voice. But I'm not so sure anymore. I think his name is "Pumpkin." Will do more research and report to the Leader.

Oh, I forgot to tell you guys. I am an Alien. I also have very strong opinions on musics and films. Will report more later.

I just woke up. Again.
Aw, crap. Is this sideways?

Is this thing on?

Forgive me for not figuring this blog thing out quickly. I am am a cat. That is my excuse.