Baby Humans Are So Fricking Funny.

...especially when they are related to The Other. His sister had this little kid (whom I currently outweigh by 2 pounds) last month, and now the whole world has stopped to see what hilarious pose he'll strike next. Here he is, shocked at some unseen off-camera force (maybe a mirror that's showing him how he looks with that mohawk-mullet hybrid). T.O.C.E. and The Other gave him that ridiculous t-shirt, by the way, so blame them...

...and here he is pretending to be a politico in some South American country, gesturing to the masses on a balcony, under a banner bearing his name. Can't you just hear the little people Shouting? KEE-GAN! KEE-GAN! KEE-GAN!!!!


I sort of want to eat him.

CHARLENE RESPONDS TO ONE OF THOSE STUPID MYSPACE QUIZZES

30 Questions No One Would EVER Think to Ask!!!

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? What is that other cat doing in my room?

2. When is the next time you will have sex? The 12th of never

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR"? Swore

4. Favorite planet? Geraniums

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile? Is this question in code?

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? The one that sounds like squirrels

7. What shirt are you wearing? The silkiest fur ever growed.

8. Do you "label" yourself? Absolutely

9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing? T.O.C.E. calls them “Two Mittens”

10. Dark Room or Bright Room? Dark with a fine catnip and Ray Charles on the hi-fi.

11. What do you think about the last person who took this survey? She feeds me on time.

12. If you're in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep on? The closest to the ground.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Snubbing.

14. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say? Holy cripes, enough with this mobile thing!

15. Where is your letter box? On a sheet of newspaper in the back of the room (for privacy)

16. What's a word or phrase that you say a lot? Back off.

17.Who told you she loved you last? T.O.C.E. Of course, I didn’t dignify it with a response.

18. Last furry thing you touched? Myself. Get your mind out of the gutter.

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? I have a camera in my mind

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 2

22. Your worst enemy? All loud trucks, babies and babies that sound like loud trucks.

23. What is your current desktop picture? Shots of a tornado-ridden Iowa City.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? Please let me go outside and eat grass.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you take? Flying—just to see the look on the faces of the birds outside my window. Whats up now, chumps!

27. The last song you listened to? Townes Van Zandt.

28. If the last person you spoke to was getting shot at, would you jump in front of the bullet? I could only be of service if the bullet was aimed at T.O.C.E.’s feet

29. If you could punch 1 person in the face who's in your life right now, who would it be? Those chumps that spam comments on my blog.

30. What is the closest object to your left foot right now? God only knows.

It Was Not December and It Was Not May But the Fourteenth of April That Was Ruination Day

St. Patrick's

Linn Street, Downtown

Iowa Ave.

Maundy Thursday

To quote The One Called Elizabeth Taylor, "I've Been through it all, Baby. I'm Mother Courage." i.e.: Caught asthma, subjected to torturous claw removal against my will, ran away from home and subsequently lost a leg, got adopted by a coupla yahoos. Tonight, however, we can add "survived a tornado that trashed a whole city" to my roster. Cause I did.

It was 7pm and TOCE was outside watching the beginnings of what looked like a great twilight T-storm, thinking, "Thanks Jeebus I live in Iowa where nature is so damn Little House on the Prairie purty." No really, T-storms here are great. If I weren't terrified of them and the outdoors, I would've been right out there with her. So the wind kicks up and she decides to go inside and watch the OC, when it is preempted by an Iowa newsman saying (in a thick accent) "If you are in Eye-uuh-wuuh Siiteee, Go too yer saaafe plaaace noow!" Several tornado "cells" (what the hey?) were to the north, south and east of town. A tornado swarm, if you will. The TV showed, instead of The One Called Adam Brody, a radar of her town lit bright red. So she grabbed me, the laptop (thanks for wireless), a blanket and her cellphone and threw us all into the bathtub.

There we sat and there I howled for, like an hour, where it sounded like someone had re-routed the train tracks to go straight over our house. TOCE passed the time by biting her nails between hitting "refresh" on the little doppler radar icon; I howled like a banshee until the loud noise outside stopped, completely. Then I crawled into her lap like a zombie, which freaked her out. That's when the storm came. After it passed (and I re-commenced howling) we stayed in there for a long time, playing solitaire and waiting for the Other One to call. He was working in The Place Called Downtown, where the storm really touched down, and spent much time in the basement with the waiters, chefs, and patrons. Apparently, the restaurant is fairly f'ed up. So he's off work tomorrow. Maybe forever.

And TOCE couldn't go pick him up, cause of all the police and trees and minicans and stuff clogging the roads, so he had to walk home. He told her the wreckage is pretty severe. Their favorite never-surrender dive bar is gone; it's roof is now on top of a Starbucks. Ironical, no?

Yeah. So that happened. I think I will snuggle extra close to TOCE tonight, as she hopes very much that all her friends are safe and not awakening to a large pile of personal booshit. That is the last nice thing I will do/ say for 1,000 years.

Note to TOCE: Welcome to the Alley. Get renter's insurance. And don't ever make me sit in a bathtub again!