You started this, "SEA-BISCUT"!

As someone who has no experience with horses, but who is (or at least used to be) a quadruped just like them, I think humans should be ashamed of what the human names they bestow upon them. That's why I am glad that the unlikely winner of yesterday's race had a cool name: Giacomo. One word--not two syllabically clunky ones-- that connotes something just a little dark and foreign. Good job, horse-namers! Last year's winner, Smarty Jones, was well named in a cutesy sort of way. And its a gem of a name when you look at the rest of the Derby lineup this year: Closing Argument? Sounds obstinate. Afleet Alex? Reminds me of fungal cream. Buzzard's Bay? Too carcass-y. Don't Get Mad? Makes me want to puke on the horse. Noble Causeway?? NOBLE CAUSEWAY? Ga? Ja? Wa? Don't the horse-namers know that when you do that to an animal, it assures that he will get the crap beat out of him at recess? C'mon guys! Think MAN O' WAR!!!

That being said, I have always liked the rather clunky and cutesy name of the 1994 winner, Go For Gin. Sure, it sounds ridiculous and mildly chemically dependent, but at least its active. Oh wait, I am a two year old cat. I wasn't born in 1994. Uhhh, MOving On--

So I have thought all night about this, and, while the humans are still sleeping, I post for you Charlene's List of Acceptable Horse Names:

Fast Runner
Eagle-eye Cobra Horse
Squirrel Warrior
Advanced Weight and Hairball Management
Rocky in Horse Form
Badass Muthatrucka
Eat It, Other Horses!
El Diablo

That being said, I am glad I am not a horse. I do enjoy running from one end of the living room to another, as well as racing the humans up the stairs, but that Derby looks unnecessarily taxing. Those bookies look like they have fun, tho. Much more my speed.