Goodbiowa.

Note to the human race: if you ever find yourself living in Iowa and forced to leave Iowa to go to another human state, burn all of your stuff, put your toothbrush in your back pocket, and book a flight to wherever you need to go.

I can now say this with authority, not only the authority of being authoritarian, but with the authority of experience, having stood shoulder-to-shoulder (or rather, shoulder-to-ankle) with T.O.C.E. and H.W.D.N.T.B.N. as they smooshed all their humanly possesions into a truck and moved us all to Grand Rapids Michigan.

Firstlymostofall, there are only two moving trucks in Iowa, apparently. Last week, one of them was being used by The One Called Koalachick to move to someplace called upstateNewDork. The other truck, as T.O.C.E. found out the day before her move, was 90 miles away in Waterloo, Iowa. So the girl and boy human had to drive waaay outa the way, right in the midst of their packing fury. this was horrendously time-consuming, but not so time consuming that T.O.C.E. wouldn't stop in Brandon Iowa to take a photo of the state's largest frying pan:

Secondmoreoverly, I am no fun to live with when we are moving. I start freaking out right when I see the first box. Hey, that's just my way. Real talk, yo.

So, T.O.C.E. shot me up with some grade-A, fine Columbian cat sedative. Which made me very cute (see photo below)...

...and it also made me even smarter than I already am. You heard me. I was like a triple-decker genius cake with genius icing and a scoop of genius on the side. I was so smart, in fact, that I figured out how to open my cat cage halfway through the trip, which I did, right as T.O.C.E. was speeding down the highway. Now, for some reason, these drugs also make me uncharacteristically affectionate. Put that side effect in the afterschool special, kids. So I spent most of the trip sitting on T.O.C.E.'s lap while she drove. I also made googoo eyes at several truckers.

Once we got to Grand Rapids, I crashed out on the porch and T.O.C.E. and H.W.D.N.T.B.N., who are both about a zillion years old, tried to move everything into the house all by themselves. No, I did not help. This proves that C.apeshit is indeed a more evolved human than either of the yuckapoos I live with, as she had the good sense to hire people to lift all her heavy objects for her.

This is a photo of H.W.D.N.T.B.N after he three large pieces of furniture all by himself, pretty much. Note that, despite the fact that there are three glasses of booze around him (one for each furniture item), he is not happy.

Now here he is having drank said booze:

Yes I am letting him pet me. Yes, I am obviously still on drugs. I went out to a club right after this, danced around with a glow stick, and made out with, like, six strangers.

But though the move was arduous, at least it meant that, as they embark on this new chapter in their lives, all of T.O.C.E. and H.W.D.N.T.B.N.'s treasures surround them, reminding them of their great taste and love of the finer things. Like this duck lamp.