They Shoulda Stuck with "Where's the Beef."

I suppose I should mention that T.O.C.E. is away from our bungalow, leaving me here with H.W.D.N.T.B.N., a few pizza boxes, and a lot less black clothing to shed upon. The silence in our house has been glorious. Say what you like about You-Know-Who, he is much quieter than You-Know-Who-Else. Yesterday, she called him and asked him to put the phone up to my ear. When he did so, she billed and cooed and made a whole bunch of saccharine sounds that, in Cat, translate roughly to puke noises. H.W.D.N.T.B.N. said that I was kissing the phone when I heard said wretched (retched) sounds, but really, I was biting it. Ah, the furry rage polka that is my life.

However, my cat spidey sense does allow (read; force) me to glean what ol' T.O.C.E. is up to in some place called Soup Cat-owhin-a, or something. She is sore from waterskiing and has been eating lots of peaches. In the mornings, she goes to a coffee shop and listens to streaming live radio, and, today, a pop-up ad invited her to try out "Baconator Radio," in honor of some new 87-pound bacon-burger.

Here are the bands/artists that some Wendy's-obsessed culture monkey (no, not Joe Wenderoth) decided best fit the art of using meat as a condiment:

1) Broken Social Scene
2) John Cougar Mellencamp
3) Lenny Kravitz (used in The One Called Footface's Gap-ad)
4) Wolfmother (first good song of the stream)
5) Nirvana (a dirgy and ultimately forgettable b-side from, like, 1990)
6) Tool (Tool? getting queasy...)
7) Smashing Pumpkins (another sort-of B-side...couldn't these people pay for hits?)
8) OKGO (want to get on treadmills, not eat burger)
9) THIRD EYE BLIND! ONE OF THOSE FALSETTO ONES!
10) EVANESCENCE!! AAAAUGH! SLIT WRISTS! NO EAT BURGER!!

If someone could, in 1000 words or less, write a response essay on how those songs have anything to do with bacon, I'll give them a bag of Advanced Weight and Hairball Mgmt.

Now here is a much more appropriate set list for selling bacon-burger products:

1) "Little Piggies" by the Beatles
2) "I Am the Swine" by Frank Zappa
3) "Eat the Rich" by Motorhead
4) "Anarchy Burger" by the Vandals
5) "HIS Cheeseburger" by Veggie Tales (a throwback from T.O.C.E.'s babysitting days)
6) "Everyone Knows its Wendy" [sic] by the association
7) One Song of that Album by Kevin Bacon and his Broseph
8) "Milkshake" by Kelis (to wash it down)
9) "The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground (just for the middle finger of first eating at Wendy's. then going to a BK bathroom to "get busy")
10) "Favorite Workout Plan" by Kanye West (bacon burger= 830 Calories, 51g fat, 1920g sodium)

You're Welcome. All of you.